Third wheel, the Kingdom of God, Andre & Helen

The title is a run-down of my day yesterday.

Obviously, I have not blogged for a while. I'm not sure why. I've just been too blah to write. I could blame the blahs on circumstances; such as being tired, too busy, financial distress, fall arriving, others irritating the crap out of me, work becoming an overwhelming trap of incomplete tasks & unrealistic demands etc...

This morning, however, I discovered that it simply boils down to pure selfishness on my part. I have been too selfish to seek God, too selfish to properly love those around me, too selfish to do what needs doing, too selfish to see how good my life is, and too selfish to obey and do what's right. So, there is my confession! On to my day yesterday.

As mentioned, work is becoming less fun and more..well...work! My favourite co-worker has now gone on maternity leave; which left a huge gaping hole in the fun category. Her incredibly positive can-do attitude, laugh-'til-you-drop sense of humour, and quick whit, made me actually look forward to each work day.

Now that she's gone I enter the office with a deep sigh at the sight of her empty chair. Clearly, I am not the only one feeling the loss. Everyone seems to have lost the ability to smile and stay positive. More than one person could use a phone silencer for when they slam the phone back on the hook. Many a frown should be turned upside down. Complaints, gossip, and pure misery seem to have taken over the front office. Not fun! But I am as much to blame as anyone.

Yesterday was no exception. I knew it was best to just shut up and work, which is close to impossible for a pure extravert.

Then came the e-mail that triggered an utter sense of failure. A sister-friend of mine forwarded a set of e-mails shared by her and another friend. They went right over my head and I wondered why she sent them to me. For the umpteenth time I felt like a third wheel.

You see, I have a tendency to include everyone. I was taught that as a child. If you invite one person in your class to your party, you must invite everyone. Do not leave anyone out! For our wedding, Rod and I went out of our way to invite people we knew normally wouldn't be considered wedding guest material. I just believe in inclusion. Jesus included the outcasts, why shouldn't we?

So when I consider new friendships, I try to reach out to people who are not "in" or "cool". I figure they already have enough friends. Of course, being inclusive draws me towards everyone, including the cool people, so I do have some cool friends too, but I make a point of being friendly to the outsiders.

This results in my having many triangle relationships. No, not when it comes to marriage! I have only one husband who has only one wife. But friendship wise I have plenty of threesomes. It works quite well in some respects, not so much in other. I often feel like the third wheel, even if I'm the one who started the friendship. When I make a new friend I immediately introduce that friend to another friend so they can branch out. This has lead to many of my friends becoming closer with each other than with me.

I have three particularly close friends with whom I share a lot. I consider each of them a sister-friend. They each belong to a different triangle friendship. Usually, I don't mind when they exclude me and do things with the other person in the triangle. I just find one of my other sister-friends to hang out with.

For some reason though, I was bothered by this e-mail. At once I felt left out, taken for granted and totally incompetent as a friend. Add that to the stress at work and my feelings of inadequacy there, and my mood was pretty low. I decided to take a long overdue lunch break.

I collapsed in my car crying. It felt good and sad all at once. (FYI I stopped taking my medication a few weeks ago so I have started to feel again.) I asked God why everything is such a mess. (Of course EVERYTHING is a mess when one feels out of sorts.) I thought of my friendships, and how little I contribute in terms of really mattering to people. I tend to be the one friends go to for fun, lunch, a movie, coffee or shopping. They lean on the other third of the friendhip triangle for love, support and caring. So, what's wrong with me?

I remembered a quote from my favourite tv show "The Office". (It might not be accurate word for word.) Michael said "There's something wrong with society!" upon which Jim replied "Maybe there's something wrong with you, not society?" Then Michael came up with the best excuse ever by saying "Well, if I'm wrong, it's society's fault for making me that way!"

I used that argument with God. Not sure he bought it even though I mixed it with tears and anguish! "There's something wrong with my friendships, God!" "Maybe it's not your friendships, Liz. Maybe it's you that needs to change." "But God, if I'm all wrong for these friends, it's the friendships fault. Maybe I need to find new friends?" "Nope, your friends are good friends. YOU just need to change." "But how?" I asked with a sob. Then came the Bible verse to which I frequently refer. "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you." Hmmm, back to that are we?

My best friend is God, really it's true! He likely feels like a third wheel nowadays too; I've sort of been neglecting him big time. I asked forgiveness for my selfishness, stinky attitude, and lack of "remaining in Christ".

Then I wiped my face and drove to the Bay. Big mistake financially, but wonderful for my sense of well-being. That's where I met Andre. I was a "sitting duck" for a salesman with hunter instincts. Checking out the perfumes with my puffed up red eyes, and lingering over the lovely smell of J'adore by Christian Diore, I was easy to spot as a vulnerable, ready to "charge-it" customer. Andre was observant and knew his job well.

"Are you having a bad day?" he asked compassionately. "Uh-huh..." I nodded as I took a whiff of another perfume. He went right for the kill..."Let's give you a makeover so you can feel better!"

Ok, let's pause here. If a very attractive, twenty-something, metro-sexual man with perfectly tanned skin, white smile, curled eyelashes framing bright blue sparkling eyes, mentions "make-over" and "feeling better" in the same sentence, wouldn't you sit down and let him have his way with you?

Maybe I'm a sucker (well yes, considering I bought $1000 worth of pots & pans when I was 20, single, and working for $4.25 an hour, I guess I AM a sucker) but it felt nice to have Andre's full attention for twenty minutes. So nice in fact, that I didn't care that he wore a microphone; announcing to every hearing person in the store that I had tired eyes, wrinkles, age spots and red blotches on my skin.

Let's just jump to the part where I bounced back in to the office with a bright smile and a bag full of goodies; some free but most highly pricey. I felt like a million bucks! (As I should have, since I spent close to that amount.)

That evening Helen (one of my other sister-friends, not the one who sent the e-mail) and I went for coffee. We had a good long heart-to-heart. The thing I love most about Helen, is that she is who she is. And she loves me for who I am, flaws, selfishness and all. I don't think she has ever complained or pointed out any of my negative characteristics. We can say and do ANYTHING and we still love each other. Isn't that what true sisterhood is? I think so. I felt spurred on by our conversation to "seek the Kingdom of God first".

This morning, before doing much of anything else, I sat down with my Bible and read John chapters 13, 14 & 15. It's all about obedience, love, bearing good fruit and remaining in Christ. They are all tied together.

No wonder I've been feeling bitter and angry at work! No wonder I've been feeling inadequate! No wonder I've been feelong detached from God and other people! I haven't been obedient in seeking God. That leads to not remaining in Christ, which makes it impossible to love him, others or even myself. And the fruit I've been bearing is as rotten as the banana that's been sitting on my desk for 2 weeks. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control have all been in very short supply.

Change is coming! As the leaves change colour in the fall, so shall I change fruit. I want to fill the emptiness left behind by my missing co-worker. I know that in and of myself I cannot do that. I'm not that positive, friendly, energetic, young and whitty. However, if I seek the Kingdom of God first, and remain in Christ, HE will see to it that the change happens. I'll get an inside-out makeover that will cause me to feel like more than a million bucks. All without using my credit card. And my fragrance will be that of Christ rather than Christian Dior.

Thank you Lord for third wheels, your Kingdom, Andre and good friends like Helen.