To my son and my Father.

It hurts. So bad. I kneel down over the couch and sob into the cushion. Oh what a sinner I am to deserve this. Surely you must be punishing me for something? You are a just God. As I always said to my kids "Make sure your sins will find you out."

I don't think we realize the impact of our sin and what it does to those around us. My son, if you'd known, would you still have made those choices? Or did you know and went ahead anyway? I have so many questions for you but there is so little point in asking them. I know you already feel so bad. And I have a hunch that you're as stumped for answers as I am.

There are just so many things to take care of, I am completely overwhelmed. The bins sit empty. I was down there today, thinking I should start sorting through your mess. But it's too painful. I wonder if this is how people feel when their child dies? How does someone move on after that? Oh God have mercy on us all!

I love your baby boy, he is my sunshine. But when I look at him I see you and it hurts. All I can think of is what he's missing because you are not here. You are the one who lights up his life, no one can take your place as his daddy. I feel so ill equipped for the task ahead.

I look forward to seeing you in a week or two. I dread seeing you in a week or two. That's the way it is now. Joy and sorrow hand in hand. Can't have one without the other.

I am so very, very tired. Why then can I not sleep? Can you sleep?

More than anything I want for you to surrender to Jesus. If you do that, all this pain is worth it. How can you not see that it's only by His grace that you aren't even worse off? You deserve what's happening. You actually deserve worse. I know you know that. Why do you refuse your King???

Only four days so far...it seems like a life time. This is going to be one long year unless something speeds up.

Lord give me energy. Lord give me sleep. Lord give me clarity. Lord give me strength. Lord give me peace and hope. Lord give me joy, not the fake kind that rises and falls like a leaf in the wind. But the real joy that is steadfast no matter what the news or circumstance. Only with that kind of joy will I survive this pain. There it is again, the two opposites, co-existing.

You oh God, created my emotions. You allow for them, only you can heal my shattered heart and stop my mind from spinning out of control. Please my God, remember me, remember and act as the compassionate God you are. I need you. This whole family needs you. I am counting on you to stay true to your promises even in this fog of fear and uncertainty. I do love you. I love my son. I know you love me and I know you love my son even more than I do. On that I base my hope. Please don't let me be sick from disappointment. Strengthen my heart to serve you.

Amen.